its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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