My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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