I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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