and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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