Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You are the jesus of drinking
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize