he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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