oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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