i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
