I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
