The best revenge is premature balding
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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