Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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