I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
