He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
