Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
