we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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