It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
3pm strippers are depressing
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
