A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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