Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
