Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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