Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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