Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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