Umm I'm too high to move.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize