well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Floor bacon is actually really good
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
