Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
