I could make wine with my vomit
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
