On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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