Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
