the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
