I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
