I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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