Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
