Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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