Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
