just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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