i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
