mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
