I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
