I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
