i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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