i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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