Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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