Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
