Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
