you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize