Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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