For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
