Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
