Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
