I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
