My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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