just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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