You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
