dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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